Last weekend, champs, made a part of my life complete. Now that varsity is over, I can take my sanity off hold.
Yeah. I almost forgot about livejournal. Thank god I did, because I would've undoubtedly posted numerous times in the past couple months as to how completely shitty my life is and how depression has swallowed me whole. But I didn't. So whatever.
This weather just makes me angry. It's an illusion to the approach of summer. It's still fuckin' January for fuck sake. I love the summer and I want it here now, but don't lie to me and try to make me think it isnt still five months away.
I don't see any of my friends anymore. They put the band back together without me. I have too much scar tissue on my back to feel the stabs anymore.
At least the high school swim season is almost over. Then my body can stop being sore and I can get some rest. Maybe my grades will go up. Who knows.
Midterms make me nervous. Especially when I realize I know absolutely nothing.
I wish more people were awake to enjoy weekend mornings. When I'm older I'm going to put a comfortable chair outside on the fire escape of the apartment I live in, and wake up at dawn to view the sunrise of a sober Sunday. Or in this case, Monday.
Saturday was good I guess. I feel kind of embarrassed because I'm sure I was a drunken fool. But then again I always am, so people should learn to expect it. Bitches.
I think I lost my journal/poetry book. Makes me sad. I guess I'll have to get a new one. Good thing I made that blogspot shit.
Anyway, I have a train to catch in twenty minutes. It's been fun, livejournal.
It's my birthday a week from Monday. It's Halloween Tuesday. Let me know if any of you would like to do anything with me, I'm fairly sure I'd be delighted.
I'm always really sad and tired. I don't mean that in any kind of stereotypically emo way. I'm just really actually sad and tired.
Livejournal makes me sick.
Anonymous commentors can go fucking die.
In the attic, I would wait
for my angel to appear
as night fell in day's wake
so dark, and so dear
Soon smiles arose to my lips
in the act of amber liquors, draining
the warmth of a poison whiskey kiss
for my angel, I still sat waiting
Before long she appeared to me
I spoke, "I am your poet, muse, held in your trance.
trapper in your gaze, and longing to see
I am yours to save, wash away my sins."
and I wrote of her beauty on the attic floor
until the ink in my pen ran dry
then I wrote with blood drawn from the purest veins
until I could bleed no more
"Words, words." the angel replied,
"all this love you have, boy,
it will burn you from the inside,
your passion will not create, but destroy."
"Stay with me, angel!" I began to plead,
"stay and you shall neither want nor need."
But from the attic window, I could see
that the sky had begun to bleed.
and then the angel was gone
Fordham starts t-10 days.
I'm not sure if I'm going to go to SYF this year. I may.
I regret what happened last winter more than most of you might think. I'm a terrible person, I know that, but if I could take back what I did, I would. I'm sorry. Half of me wants to make amends, set everything as right as I possibly can, but I'm not sure if I will. And I can't explain to you why.