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[23 Apr 2007|01:08pm]
There are about a thousand things I could say about this past weekend, but none that could fully convey my true emotions. I am devastated, in ways I never thought possible. Though my feelings cannot be articulated, I need to express them somehow, but I'm not sure what way. It's a mixture of feeling completely enveloped by love, and being on the verge of tears. I never knew what SYF was until this weekend, and it's changed me in ways I never expected. I can only focus on not being sad for friends who are moving on, but to be satisfied with the time I have left. I don't know what else to say. I love you all.
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[16 Feb 2007|04:27pm]

Last weekend, champs, made a part of my life complete. Now that varsity is over, I can take my sanity off hold.
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[15 Jan 2007|09:45am]

Yeah. I almost forgot about livejournal. Thank god I did, because I would've undoubtedly posted numerous times in the past couple months as to how completely shitty my life is and how depression has swallowed me whole. But I didn't. So whatever.

This weather just makes me angry. It's an illusion to the approach of summer. It's still fuckin' January for fuck sake. I love the summer and I want it here now, but don't lie to me and try to make me think it isnt still five months away.

I don't see any of my friends anymore. They put the band back together without me. I have too much scar tissue on my back to feel the stabs anymore.

At least the high school swim season is almost over. Then my body can stop being sore and I can get some rest. Maybe my grades will go up. Who knows.

Midterms make me nervous. Especially when I realize I know absolutely nothing.

I wish more people were awake to enjoy weekend mornings. When I'm older I'm going to put a comfortable chair outside on the fire escape of the apartment I live in, and wake up at dawn to view the sunrise of a sober Sunday. Or in this case, Monday.

Saturday was good I guess. I feel kind of embarrassed because I'm sure I was a drunken fool. But then again I always am, so people should learn to expect it. Bitches.

I think I lost my journal/poetry book. Makes me sad. I guess I'll have to get a new one. Good thing I made that blogspot shit. 

Anyway, I have a train to catch in twenty minutes. It's been fun, livejournal.

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[28 Oct 2006|12:36am]
My great-grandmother died so I'm currently in Buffalo for her funeral. Lately life has been a series of sporadic and spontaneous fits of depression and anxiety. I had originally concluded that these had been products of the amount of pressure that bottles up inside of me from school and swimming and such. But today, after talking to my older sister, I learned that she experienced similar panic attacks about life and the world. She told me that it's genetic, my dad had it bad when he was a teenager, and she had it pretty bad around sophomore/junior year. She referred to it as "Dear Realism". She says its an anxiety disorder, and that if I talk to my parents about it, they can probably perscribe something for me. The thing is, these panic attacks and fits of depression stem from the recurring notion in my mind that I suddenly suspect that the world around me isn't real, and that everything I see and am a part of is a product of my mind, made up to make myself feel better. But this can also result in the idea that I can do anything I want to and it won't matter because this reality revolves around me. I hope none of you think of me differently, I really do know you exist. Kinda. But they make me really anxious. It happens a lot, and sometimes I can't sleep at night. My sister says that it can be triggered by smoking weed, which would make sense because I've been doing a good amount of that lately and the symptoms have been getting worse. But all in all, this talk made me feel really good, like I wasn't alone in how I was thinking and feeling. Half the time I can't decipher whether I could be a genius or I'm just fuckin' crazy. I'm glad it's genetic, because now I'm not alone. I'm debating whether I should go on medication for it. I think it skipped my brother though. I just feel bad for the possibility of my siblings going through what I am now. I just can't make sense of the world, but tonight made everything a little bit clearer.

It's my birthday a week from Monday. It's Halloween Tuesday. Let me know if any of you would like to do anything with me, I'm fairly sure I'd be delighted.
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[04 Oct 2006|09:02pm]
So now my life basically revolves around the three s's. School, swim, sleep. I have 6am practice twice a week, 8am practice on Sundays, and 5:30pm practices three times a week, as well as a meet every Saturday afternoon. This leaves me physically exhausted and emotionally drained. I'm barely getting by in my classes and have absolutely no energy for any of my writing.
I'm always really sad and tired. I don't mean that in any kind of stereotypically emo way. I'm just really actually sad and tired.
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[01 Oct 2006|12:09am]
Yeah so I have a cell phone now.


Stalkers encouraged.
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[14 Sep 2006|11:11pm]

Livejournal makes me sick.


Anonymous commentors can go fucking die.

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first poem in a while [04 Sep 2006|08:11pm]

In the attic, I would wait
for my angel to appear
as night fell in day's wake
so dark, and so dear

Soon smiles arose to my lips
in the act of amber liquors, draining
the warmth of a poison whiskey kiss
for my angel, I still sat waiting

Before long she appeared to me
I spoke, "I am your poet, muse, held in your trance.
trapper in your gaze, and longing to see
I am yours to save, wash away my sins."

and I wrote of her beauty on the attic floor
until the ink in my pen ran dry
then I wrote with blood drawn from the purest veins
until I could bleed no more

"Words, words." the angel replied,
"all this love you have, boy,
it will burn you from the inside,
your passion will not create, but destroy."

"Stay with me, angel!" I began to plead,
"stay and you shall neither want nor need."
But from the attic window, I could see
that the sky had begun to bleed.

and then the angel was gone

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[30 Aug 2006|10:13pm]
I'm almost certain I'm enjoying life more than almost any of you right now.

Fordham starts t-10 days.

I'm not sure if I'm going to go to SYF this year. I may.

I regret what happened last winter more than most of you might think. I'm a terrible person, I know that, but if I could take back what I did, I would. I'm sorry. Half of me wants to make amends, set everything as right as I possibly can, but I'm not sure if I will. And I can't explain to you why.
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[11 Aug 2006|11:01pm]
Now, it's done. I let it burn. All of it.
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[07 Aug 2006|12:38pm]
I'm really not sure which emotion dominates my life right now, be it excitement, or confusion. Well, either way, both feelings are refreshing to say the least. Life can change fairly quickly, and often change can be very good. I do not regret anything, for me, denying my emotions is a bigger travesty than any I can think of. All I can do now is realize what I have gained and what I have lost, and smile, because I feel better than I have in a while.

pavane minus jack

Finishing picture posts sure does make you feel productive
7 only saw the past post comment

better than my last [25 Jul 2006|05:12pm]
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[25 Jun 2006|10:55am]
Friday night was probably one of the best nights in recent memory. Spending the night at Gwynn's apartment was really amazing and perfect. Gwynn is probably one of my favorite people. I left a lot of my stuff in her room so I guess I'll swing by on the way to Food Not Bombs today. So I've realized that every night is a possibility for so many things. It's all up to you, whether you spend the night at home on livejournal, or on a crazy adventure to the Hudson river at five in the morning in Manhattan. This is the moment. Don't waste it.
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[21 Jun 2006|05:08pm]
Well I suppose you could say it's the summer now. Things sure don't feel different, but memorizing the Monday-Friday train schedule will be quite a bitch.

My band had our first show yesterday, and it was probably the most fulfilling experience in a very long time. I really feel renewed and just completely rejuvenated by this. Sweeney and Bret came and that helped a lot, and they enjoyed it so that is fairly encouraging.

So I guess you could also say I'm officially in high school. Graduation was last Saturday, and sadly, there is a pretty unxpected significant lack of clarity in my emotions about it. It's not like I can go back, or that I want to go back, it just makes me wonder why I gave something that was so good so easily, for the sake of growing older. I suppose time is a one-way street.
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[15 May 2006|08:06pm]
No, I do love my life.
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[08 May 2006|08:30pm]
At this point I really feel like I'm being suffocated. Basically by almost everyone/everything around me. Or I feel like that person who is cathartically screaming at the sky and being held back by his friends at the emotional climaxes of all those movies.

This all makes me wonder why I haven't left yet.

I have recently come to believe that if I were to think about life enough, I could drive myself crazy. I suppose analyzing everything all the time is as much a vice as it could ever be a virtue.

I feel like I've become bored with almost everything. Except the things I miss which have been carried away.

Of course, I will continue to be the usual idiosyncratic Aidan that everyone knows and expects, because that is just how the conventional structure of society works. I could never be different. I was naive to ever think otherwise. Then again, I'm almost certain I could change the world if I put even the least-bit effort into it.

I feel like the poetry I write can only ever seem truly satisfying to me if spoken aloud.

But even I'm not lucid enough to see the progression.

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[26 Apr 2006|06:46pm]
You're standing on my neck.

Pointless midnight phone conversations would be more fun if people were awake for them.

I wish I wasn't so in love with people.
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...not just something you thought you felt back in high school.... [03 Apr 2006|08:44pm]
Let's love and be loved. I want to see you. All of you. It's spring.

P.S. Joe Conlon lives with me now. It's nice.
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[19 Mar 2006|08:32pm]
Toss me a cigarette, I think there's one in my raincoat
We smoked the last one an hour ago
So I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field

Kathy, I'm lost, I said, though I knew she was sleeping
I'm empty and aching and I don't know why
Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike
They've all gone to look for America

Long weekend, though a very nice one, rounded off by a coffee-house-oriented acoustic show, which was rather enjoyable.

I would like to have at least one long, meaningful discussion with everyone I care about in the next couple weeks. I'd be surprised if I found anything more worthwhile than a conversation with someone in which you genuinely connect upon a humanities-based subject.

I've decided I'm going to spend as much of my life as possible with Daniel Sweeney. If you've ever talked to him alone about life, you probably know why.

Then again, there are many people at this point of whom I would really enjoy spending more time with. Yes, you.
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[03 Mar 2006|04:46pm]
Hey, if anyone would like to come with us to abc tomorrow, call either me or Dee or Patrick sometime tomorrow morning. The more the merrier.
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